it was a sad closure of 2008...

dear bloggers,

this is the day that i have the guts to pen my story of how things really tumble me upside down, inside out, vertically and horizontally...
the pain is unbearable, i decided to shut my life for a while, been thinking a lot bout my life, what i've done and become...
i never would forgive my self for what had happened although it is my fate..never..for this was the first worst thing that ever happend to me and to the person who i loved most..who brought me into this joy and sorrow world..my mother..

27 december 2008, my misery begins..it was really a freak accident which i hate to flash back but it keeps haunting me and mom for the rest of our lives..it was not a car accident nor a slip in a toilet but that very day a silly mind of me made mom broke her femur bone and now suffers the consequences...we both suffer..i have no idea to what degree she feels bout it, but me, it weights more than a mountain..the guilt and pain in the heart which can never be erased for the rest of my life. since that day, tears is my best friend but mom she is a strong angel, she didn't cry at all..

to what extent i didn't realise that i have lost my self in time, i hardly think bout what happened around me and i started to develop a sensitive feeling which i don't understand at all. what i know is my action can crush me to pieces if i don't start to rebuild my esteem which i've lost since that day..and now i'm in the journey of searching my self again, i've lost it once when i was during my university days, found it back when i met hubby and now lost it again..i wonder where am i...

all i can do now is giving attention to my sick mom, it heals me but i need more. i want to stay low now and hope that i find my self again. if Allah wants to show me the truth, then i will follow the course of life. i guess my life's shattered and i have to collect every bits and pieces and gather it again like a jigsaw puzzle.

thank Allah, the people i love are around me, which make my healing process accelerates. i hope that Allah will show me the right path and aid me towards searching my lost soul, although i look normal on the outside, my inner part is vulnerable like a piece of wet tissue paper. got to stay focus and hope that i can complete my MBA in time..all i can say "life goes on..and i have to go on with it."

dear bloggers, please pray for me..tq.